"F*%#ing Perfect"

"F*%#ing Perfect"

I recently had a near lifelong friend tell me something I can’t shake. You ever have one of those conversations that lingers for days and weeks after they happen?  We’d had a few cocktails and all kinds of truths were coming out. The good, the bad and the ugly.  I relished in all of it, the raw honesty. But she shocked me when she said, “You’re so damn perfect all the time. Your life looks fucking perfect…” and “I think my mom wishes I was more like you and it hurts me. I really hate it.  I’m a mess, but go around pretending I’m fine, and you…your life just looks perfect.”
In my head I screamed, “Say whaaaaat?!”  On the outside, though, I froze.  My eyes popped out of my head and my heart sank to the floor. Little does this person know, I’ve looked up to her my entire life, wishing I could be more like her. I used to dress like her in Middle School, dyed my hair like her in high school and tried to follow her lead in college. She was, and still is, one of my personal idols- but I never told her that to her face. I never shared that truth with her- until she shared this truth with me. You’re life looks so fucking perfect all the time. The fact that she was telling me this, while crying, was not only painful, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under my feet.
Call me naive, but I did NOT see that coming. It’s like she took the words right out of my mouth.  She stole my storyline!  But how could she possibly feel this way? I thought I was the one who felt this way?! I gave her a hug, told her she was the perfect one and that I loved her.  There was so much more I could have said, I just couldn’t find the words at the time.
The next day I shook it off, but then got to thinking…how many women go around feeling this way and not talking about it?  How many of us walk around with our heads held high, acting like everything is perfectly fine, when it just…isn’t?  Why do we keep our struggles to ourselves only to spill the beans to a random taxi driver who we’ll never see again?  Or when we’ve had one drink too many.  Why are we so afraid of being vulnerable around the people that know and love us?  Why do we (myself included) act “so fucking perfect all the time?”
To my dear sister/friend, please know this: I love you (SO much), and I’m sorry for using you an example here, but you inspired me.  And now I’m calling bull shit….on myself, and every other person who has an identity online that looks “perfect.” I’m whistleblowing the whole damn system because this is WRONG with a capitol W(TF).
There are many aspects of society that I could blame for mine and others’ “curated content” that you’ve seen, but I will only speak for myself- my actions and my truths.
Clearly, I haven’t been as “full disclosure” as I’ve prided myself to be the last two years since I started sharing my round-the-world journey with all of you. If a single person thinks my life is without flaws, then I have failed you (and myself) because that’s exactly the intent of sharing my journey in the first place- to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, as I travel around the world.
My truth, like so many of yours, is messy and full of flaws. My truth is a big cluster fuck of ugly, messy, beautiful experiences that have lead me to this exact point I’m at today- standing like a Humble Warrior (favorite yoga pose…Non-Yogis please ignore).
My truth is this: I’m just coming out of what has been the hardest 5 months of my life. I lost a dear friend and Brother in April. He died…evaporating into thin air, never to come back to me, or his family again.  Prior to this, I’d never had an up close and personal experience with Death and I wasn’t processing it very well.  I then came home in May to see family, to mourn and get my head on straight. I was greeted with my Mother telling me the doctors found a lump in her breast.  (Don’t worry, she’s fine now.)
A few days after that bad news I got more bad news…this time from back “home” in Africa.  My then boyfriend (and fiancé) cheated on me.  One minute we were engaged and in love headed towards starting a family, the next we were arranging a divorce before the wedding.  Everything I owned was still there in his flat, while I was at home with enough clothes for a week, but that was the least of my worries.  We ended it and the entire trajectory of my life shifted.  A few weeks after that I lost another lifelong best friend, not to death but to something almost as painful.
From there, I went to Europe on a two week Viking Cruise through Scandinavia, and all you saw were beautiful countryside pictures- all smiles. Was I faking it?  Maybe.  But I was trying to put my best face forward. Surely you can understand. Was I trying to deceive anyone?  No…maybe just myself. I went around saying “I’m fine! Totally great. Happy to be here, and good riddance to that guy!  My Mom is going to live forever and life is great!”

I took the advice of “fake it ’till you make it” and made it my religion.

I was “faking it” to the nth degree.  But my truth is FAR from perfect. It’s closer to an obstacle course (on fire) than to the perfect beaches I’ve posted so many pictures from.
The truth is that what you see online are my tangible efforts to be better. What you see is me trying. What I share with you are my successes- happy moments, hidden gems I’ve found around the world and nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up. What you don’t see are the dark days before those happy moments. Why would I post a photo of myself crying into my wine glass amidst a Shit Storm of a bedroom as I attempt to unpack my travel bags?  Why would I share pictures of the ceiling I couldn’t tear my eyes from when I sat in shock each time I got a piece of awful news the past five months?
We all have our issues- our stories- and boy do we do our best to cover them up, package ourselves nicely and tie a ribbon around a nearly bursting Pandora’s Box. I don’t want to carry around Pandora’s Box AND lead people to believe I’m some “perfect” individual. That’s just hypocritical, and I fear we are already living in a highly hypocritical world today. A world in which humans aren’t allowed to be what they are- HUMAN.  I want to be the exception to that rule.
I’ve gone around with the belief that if I put positive energy out there, I’ll attract positive energy back. I didn’t want to perpetuate negativity for myself or others, so I suffered in silence for these past few months. I figured I’d spare everyone the ugly and share the WINS instead. But perhaps there’s another piece of the Life Puzzle to consider…
Perhaps in sharing your trials and tribulations, others can appreciate the whole picture more clearly along with you, and celebrate when the happy moments come. Perhaps telling the WHOLE TRUTH is the ONLY TRUTH, and anything else is just a white lie. All I know is this: Life wouldn’t be Life without struggle and triumph, and light wouldn’t exist without dark. So I can’t call myself “authentic” and only share the wins, without the losses. Somewhere between South East Asia, South Africa and California I forgot this, but I’ve been reminded now. So, to my dear friend who shall remain anonymous, thank you. Thank you for helping me see what I could not…or helping me to share what I could not let others see. Thank you for calling me out. The world needs more people like you- Truth Seekers.  I appreciate you and everyone else who holds me accountable for this life. I am beyond blessed to have such strong people around me, all around the world, and I’ll never take that for granted.
As we go on our merry (or not-so-merry) ways around planet Earth, it’s my hope that we can all be a little more human. It’s my greatest wish to live in a world where there is enough time and space for everyone to not just live, but to live authentically. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Anyways…Food for thought, from me to you.
Ps. Perfection is either boring AF, or doesn’t exist, so stop faking it!  I see you. 👀

By |2017-09-04T11:05:07+00:00September 4th, 2017|Dear Diary, depression, International LOVE, Overcoming Fear|26 Comments

About the Author:

On August 14th, 2015 I left my life in the United States behind with the intention to never look back. I had the "American Dream" and I woke up from it, to create a new reality for myself. I sought out beauty in a world that was increasingly dark for me at the time and ended up finding more than I bargained for. With only a backpack, I traveled across Europe, South East Asia and then on to Africa. With over 30 countries stamped in my passport, I've become an entirely new version of myself with a broader perspective on what it means to be a woman in today's world. My hope is that by sharing my stories and featuring women like me from around the world, we can inspire others to break down their own internal barriers and go cross a few international borders while they're at it. I truly believe travel can be healing to a troubled soul, empowering to the lost and rejuvenating for the exhausted. Perspective is everything, and I believe in the power of "going global," what about you? SheGoesGlobal.net is a site that started out with my stories and grew into a platform for women all around the world to tell their travel tales of trials and triumph. We all believe that the more you see of the world, the better you can be as a person who inhabits it. Women encouraging other women to grow, travel, evolve- that's what SGG is all about. ---> Read my very first blog post (see "Archives" for August 2015) to learn how this all began.


  1. Bill and Sandy September 4, 2017 at 11:40 am - Reply

    Don’t sweat it. Everyone knows that social media isn’t where people air their pain, anguish and dirty laundry. And people who do share that shit are often viewed as whiners. I’m sure most of your readers want to see the good things, the fun things. Maybe occasionally hear about the lesson learned from a bad experience, but even the point of that is to reaffirm that we can all survive bad things, be positive and move on, right?
    Are you still headed to Perú? We arrive in Lima 9/7 and head down to Cusco 9/10 for a few weeks. We’d love to meet up.

    • Heather Ditmars September 4, 2017 at 11:44 am - Reply

      Thanks guys! I think you’re right, but definitely want to make sure I paint the full picture. I’ll walk the line somewhere in the in-between. I would LOVE to meet up! I fly in on the 27th. How long are you there? Shoot me an email! [email protected]

  2. Alexis Lamb September 4, 2017 at 2:33 pm - Reply

    I loved this post and thank you! I have recently made a vow to post more “ugly” content on my Instagram – unglamorous photos, details about daily annoyances or larger struggles – it’s not all about the pretty photos although travel is glorious.
    also, about 90% of the time, I feel like an absolute joke. The other 10% of the time i feel like a genius on the verge of changing the world, so go figure.

  3. Mike Lair September 4, 2017 at 4:25 pm - Reply

    You are under no obligation to paint any picture that does not suit your fancy. You, my dear, are an artist. The art you create is entirely at your discretion. People will perceive your art in many unexpected ways that you cannot, nor should you wish to, control. You make your art and let it stand on its own. It reminds me of a line from the Tao: “Do your work then step back; The only path to serenity.”
    I, for one, think you have painted a pretty fair assessment of the life of a traveller. I am always excited to get the latest update when it hits my inbox.

    • Heather Ditmars September 4, 2017 at 7:09 pm - Reply

      Thank you for the kind words Mike! You’re very sweet. I love that quote from the Tao. I’m writing it in my journal to save it. 😉

  4. ken514 September 5, 2017 at 4:45 pm - Reply

    Well done!
    I can totally relate.
    Loved this post and the honesty that you showed. Bravo. 🙂

  5. wanderingeducators September 6, 2017 at 1:53 pm - Reply

    I love this. I’m trying to spend less time on social media, because it’s a game, and not real, for so many. And, I’m trying to show more daily life and less perfection (because who IS?). Great article – sharing!!

  6. Millie September 9, 2017 at 5:25 am - Reply

    I love this Heather! Being authentic can be hard, especially on social media. We do have to remember that social media isn’t real life, its only what people choose to share. Thanks for sharing! x

  7. Gabrielle September 10, 2017 at 11:16 pm - Reply

    THIS. Your post was absolutely perfect and so relatable. You’ve most definitely gained a new fan over here.

  8. Karla Cruzado | The Wise Lark September 10, 2017 at 11:21 pm - Reply

    I’m happy for you for embracing the truth because that’s the one of the steps to help you move on. Accepting the truth will set you free. Start where you are with what you have and go live a wondeful life ❤️

  9. Adine @ Average To Awesome September 10, 2017 at 11:52 pm - Reply

    That really is Food for Thought! I’m also more about sharing the positive. Not to make it look like my life is perfect, but to keep myself motivated, to keep the positive energy flowing and to not get stuck in the negative. However, I think it is important sometimes to connect with other people and talk about stuff that happens and that isn’t great. You can stay positive, but you also have to work through the negatives. So not pretending it’s not there.

  10. Pam - Equestrianotes September 11, 2017 at 1:16 am - Reply

    Brilliant. Love your honesty. xx

  11. theworldonmynecklace September 11, 2017 at 8:28 am - Reply

    Thanks for sharing. Social Media and blogs can definitely make our lives look perfect but no one really knows what is going on inside your head. I have had friends say they are jealous of my lifestyle, and a lot of the time it is amazing, but I am also 34 years old and broke, still suffering through a break up with my ex-fiance, constantly worrying about money and my future and although I am traveling with my boyfriend and he is great, I miss my friends and family. Things might look perfect on the outside but they rarely are – for anyone.

  12. Daryn Stumbauh September 11, 2017 at 9:18 am - Reply

    Wow, love this! I’ve been there. Thanks for verbalizing it beautifully and being brave and vulnerable!

  13. Swati Saxena September 12, 2017 at 11:31 am - Reply

    Read such an honest post after a long time. More power to you. Stay imperfect. Hugs 🙂

  14. ipukekawaii September 13, 2017 at 10:38 am - Reply

    love ALL of this and so import an to just be … you. We get caught up in a lot of faking it tip you make it but how would you actually discover your true self with a vail already over you. You know?! All the best and love & light on your future journeys and endeavours as … YOU <3

  15. Susanna | Ordinality September 14, 2017 at 4:49 am - Reply

    Preaching to the choir! I’m making an active effort on not comparing myself to others because, in the end, we really don’t know how their lives are; they could be like ducks: calm above water but underneath peddling like no other.
    Social media definitely makes things worse; people feel the need to present just the best parts of their lives, omitting the rough, dirty bits. The “real life” bits. And when you do present the worse parts, you get the wrath of people who feel that you should not be doing this, that or the other…

  16. speak766 October 1, 2017 at 4:59 pm - Reply

    Love this post. You’re so right – we all have our issues and struggles, but we spend so much effort trying to disguise them and seem okay. But there’s nothing wrong with not being okay. Thank you for sharing this. Wish you the best – speak766

  17. genxtraveler01 October 3, 2017 at 12:07 pm - Reply

    I’ve had similar experiences where people have told me my life looks so exciting, a whirlwind of adventures. One of the best was at a recent class reunion. Shortly after my old friend told me how fabulous my life appeared I stood up. I could barely take a step I was in such pain from years of hip problems. This was pre-replacement surgery but post 2 reparative surgeries. This was my beautiful life, This was the reality of my every day. Pain, Sometimes debilitating pain. This is what people don’t see on social media (although I put it out there). I have been seeing more and more posts about the reality of our lives. People, as well as ourselves, need to be reminded that our life is not a snapshot. It is not frozen in time and space. It is fluid and complex. And sometimes ugly or painful.

  18. Julie Cao October 3, 2017 at 9:41 pm - Reply

    Thanks for sharing your stories behind so called perfect life. I had similar experience now and then, when my friends jealous of me travel around the world and living in everyone’s dream place, but they did not seem to know that it is not all perfect. What I learned from your post is that everyone has their own story. Just because their picture and social media account look perfect, does not mean that they are perfect. Some of them are fighting the hardest battle that we have never known, I hardly share my life with others because I dont think it is their business to be my listener, but I treat others nice and be helpful as I can, because I never know what they have gone through in their life.

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