I’m just a girl in the midst of a semi-quarter-life crisis. (Yes, it’s a thing.) For the first 1/4 of my life, I followed all the “rules” from a young age. I saw what I thought the world wanted me to be, I tried to achieve the ideals society set for me. Growing up, I learned how to fit in with the “cool kids” – forcing myself into a little box that I didn’t really fit in. I was the high school cheerleader dating the football player. I was nominated for Homecoming (heartbroken when I lost). I dyed my hair blonde, pierced my bellybutton and started wearing high heels because it was oh-so-cool. I got a job in cosmetics at the mall. I learned how to make myself look “perfect.” I went to college and graduated with an acceptable degree. I worked towards the “dream job” and got it before I graduated. The job, the apartment, the designer clothes, the perks of the job- I got everything I wanted- everything I thought I wanted. From the outside, my life could appear an image of perfection; but inside I was dying- bursting rather.
Deep down I knew I was consistently following a path of self-destruction by allowing the world to make my choices for me without even giving myself a chance to really see and understand the world itself. How could I give such power to a force I did not understand? I learned how to live in the perfect, round bubble and stay in it. It was comfortable there. But is “comfortable” what one should aspire to be in life? My entire being screams “no!” This can not be all there is.
Finally, as of August 14th, 2015, the bubble will have officially been popped.
I have quit my Cosmetic Executive job, sold all of my belongings, and have booked a one-way ticket to Spain. I’ve been dreaming of traveling the world my whole life and putting it off. I always told myself I needed to “establish myself to the point I could retire early” before I could really travel- because that’s realistic? I also told myself i would go if I just saved “this much” money, when I already had more than enough saved. I made excuse after excuse. I dug my heels into the ground in a place I was miserable because I was scared. Scared of the unknown. What if I leave this great job and never find another one like it? I love my boss and my team and all the trappings of my life, I do. What if I lost all my close friendships by being so far away for so long? What about my family? What if someone gets sick and I’m not here? All justifiable fears- but fears nonetheless.
Someone once told me the way to decide when faced with a tough choice was to ask yourself this: which decision is based on fear and which one is based on love? If it’s fear in the driver seat, you’re going the wrong way. If it’s love, you can never go wrong. Taking this to heart and applying to my life now, I know it’s time I start following my true wants and desires and passions. I choose, from here on out, as I journey through the world with only a backpack, to act based on love and NOT fear. Stepping into the unknown feels good.